I was poking around my local Wal-Mart Supercenter last week when something stopped me in my tracks.
Specifically, it was the voice of God.
I stood still, taking in the message. He spoke for a surprisingly long time.
When he finished, I pondered the meaning of his words. Was there some significance to the phrase, “Home electronics, you have a call holding on line five. Home electronics, line five” ?
I finally decided that it might not have been the voice of God, but rather the voice of the Wal-Mart phone operator, who only sounded like God.
One thing is clear: this guy has a GREAT voice. It’s booming, but sweet. It’s got that pleasant rumble, with just a small lilt at the end that pierces you. In a word: enchanting.
Now, I’ve never seen the guy, but I’d say he’s in his late 50’s, early 60’s. He sounds grandfatherly.
I wandered some more, hoping to hear him again. While I wandered, I tried to figure out who he is or where he works.
Surely a voice so nice couldn’t be reserved for just this one store. Maybe Wal-Mart has decided to send all their calls to a central hub, where Grandpa God pushes buttons or pulls and pushes cords into jacks like an old-fashioned operator.
I called the supercenter a few days later, expecting to get a recording. But Grandpa God answered. At first, I couldn’t speak.
GRANDPA GOD: “Thank you for calling the Mt. Dora Wal-Mart Supercenter. How may I direct your call?”
ME: silence
GRANDPA GOD: “This is the Mt. Dora Wal-Mart, can I help you?”
ME: “Umm… I’m… I need… I can’t remember why I called…”
I quickly hung up the phone.
After calming down, I called back. I asked him where he was located. He assured me that he was actually at the Mt. Dora location.
Weird, huh?
Now I imagine who he USED to be. Was he a famous voice actor from the 40’s, blacklisted during the McCarthy hearings because he once narrated a cartoon about socialism?
Or maybe he was a Canadian sports announcer, broadcasting spirited games of curling until a gambling scandal cost him his job and his reputation?
He could have been a freakshow announcer who fell in love with the bearded lady, only to lose her and his sense of purpose in a tragic Epilady accident.
I’d like to ask him about his life. I'd like to find out where he's been and what exciting adventures he's had. But I’m so nervous everytime I talk to him that I just cave in and say, “home electronics, please.”
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